Deep Thoughts...

Remember that skit from Saturday Night Live in the 90's....deep thoughts with whoever...because I'm good enough, smart enough and darn it people like me...

This isn't one of those kind of posts, but it made me giggle a little.

I have had good mothering days, and bad mothering days.  I have had good wifing (that's not a word) days and bad wifing (still not a word) days.  And at the end of all of these days, I lay my head on the pillow and still contemplate my lack.  Lately God has been showing me SO much of who I am, where I belong and where my dreams will lead me.  It's funny really, how much you can learn.  I never really thought when I was younger what sanctification, growing in grace looked like.  And here I am, 36 (I think, I'll have to double check with Tim on that one) and still feel like I am 21 and have a whole life ahead of me.  I see my sweet children and I question... I think a lot of mom's do.  Question.  But maybe I am wrong, maybe I am the only one questioning.

When I was little, I remember specifically thinking that I wanted to be a teacher because that was the BEST job for a mom.  I think back to elementary school and remember one of the girls in my class, here mom was a teacher, and she was able to play on the blackboard all she wanted, was able to go to her mom's class during recess and after school.  And I thought...BEST.JOB.EVER.  Or maybe I thought, luckiest girl, because lets face it, I wanted to play on the blackboard.  But I look back on that and the perception I had.  What a mom "had" to do.

I have been reading a lot lately.  Mind you, when I say reading I mean, half a book, followed by another half of a different book, followed by a few chapters in a third.  I'm a  bit ADD when it comes to reading.  But in reading and talking with my tribe, you know the people who know you, who listen to you when they don't want to, and love you anyway; I'm finding so many questions.  Am I doing enough?  Will my child be...? Am I doing enough to keep him/her from being...?

On Sunday our preacher spoke about ordinary.  And it haunts me.  I have grown from the thought that I need to be extraordinary, that everything is based on the feeling you get.  The excitement that comes from this or that.  To understanding that the extraordinary is an experience, not a lifestyle.  The extraordinary is short lived.  I think of giants of the faith.  Jonathon Edwards, Jim Elliott, Martin Luther, John Calvin and think of the extraordinary they lived.  And yet I can't help but think of what led to that.  Luther's 95 thesis weren't written in an experience that was short lived, but was hammered out through the ordinary.  Jonathon Edwards wasn't writing all of his statements in a moment, but in the ordinary lived well.  Ordinary begets extraordinary.

One of the books I spend my time in is "Disciplines of the Spiritual Life" by Donald Whitney.  Get this book, it is worth it.  This book preaches the ordinary.  It screams ordinary.  And yet, I have found more extraordinary in my life in the last few months through the ordinary things I am doing.  Being ordinary, focusing on the disciplines, that is what answers those questions I am asking.  That is what is driving me to the throne of grace.  That is what, in my hope, will by God's Sovereign will drive my children there as well.  I have a defender for the ordinary.  A Savior who was so "ordinary" those waiting missed him.  I know, know, know that will not return void.  All for HIS Glory and my good.

I will be ordinary.
   
And will experience an extraordinary life.

Because THAT is what I "have" to do.